you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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