I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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