It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
