my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
