i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
