im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...