I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .