life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
