Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
