I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
