Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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