i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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