I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
