She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
