I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
