I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
