ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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