drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
