The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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