I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
