I got chris browned last night
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
