dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
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