are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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