I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
