I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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