He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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