i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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