Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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