I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
