He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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