you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
