just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
