i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
