My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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