I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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