I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
try to milk me bitch
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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