i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
