a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
