we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
