She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
