the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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