I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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