Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
