Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
