is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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