Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
