i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
