Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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