if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
