Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
