whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
