I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
