You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
