I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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