PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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