the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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